AdventuresEvidence Of My Insanity

Anne And Harley’s Epic Girl Date Of Epicness

The following events took place on the night of Friday, January 20th, 2012, between the hours of 5:30 and 7:00 pm. Names have not been changed because there are no innocent parties to protect. 


It’s 5:30 pm and I’m late for my date with Harley May. I pull into the Whole Foods parking lot at a reckless speed of 7 miles per hour. Pedestrians dive for the sidewalks, dogs yip in terror, small children wail into their mothers’ legs as my Ford Fiesta cruises each aisle in search of a parking space. Who knew Whole Foods was such a hoppin’ place on a Friday night?

Against all odds, I slip into a space mere dozens of minutes before someone else surely would have stolen it. I barrel-roll out of the driver’s seat and click the “lock” button over my shoulder while doing the Mom Shuffle (a quick walk-run, usually done while crossing a busy street, even when no cars are coming) to the door. 

Harley has invited me to a “Cleanse and Detox” event at the Whole Foods. She’s already in line for some yummy squash-apple-pine nut-cranberry concoction. I spot her quickly because she’s in a super hot red dress with high-heeled boots. She looks amazing. I look sort of like this. 

We get our plates of fiber-rich foods and samples of wine, then sit down on the back row for the presentation. A woman stands in front of us and begins to move her mouth. Either she’s a mime, or there’s some trouble brewing with the acoustics in this place. 

Me: Can you hear what that woman is saying?

Harley: No. The grocery store music is really loud. Also, next to the bathrooms might not have been the greatest location for this.

[We hear a toilet flush as several small children race out of the bathroom, give us a suspicious glance, and run to their parents.]

Me: What does she have in that bucket?

Harley: I think she just said it was some sort of oatmeal.

Me: Oatmeal in a bucket?

Harley: [laughing]

Me: What? What did she say?

Harley: She said our goal should be to “eliminate” three times a day.

Me: …………………..

Harley: Poop.

Me: AH. Well why didn’t she just say “poop”? That reminds me of when I was pregnant and my doctor kept talking about how often I would have the “urge to void.”

Harley: …………………….

Me: Pee.

Harley: Look, she said it again! I think we should take a sip of this wine every time she says the word “eliminate.”

Me: We’re gonna need more, then. Is this even alcoholic? Because this brochure keeps talking about how you shouldn’t drink alcohol. I’m pretty sure this is non-alcoholic wine.

Girl Next To Us: I don’t have any fillings.

Me and Harley: [side eye]

Girl Next To Us: She’s talking about fillings. How toxic they are. Do you have any fillings?

Me: Um, yes. But they’re porcelain.

Harley: [not paying attention to us]

Me: Yep, porcelain fillings. Fancy porcelain fillings.

Girl Next To Us: I never had braces, either.

Me: Really? I had them twice. I hate you.

Girl Next To Us: [frightened look]

Harley: Oh my gosh, she’s talking about the oatmeal in the bucket again. She just said something about how someone had to go to the hospital after they ate that stuff.

Me: What?! Hang on–are they spooning out samples for us? No way, dude. I’m not eating that.

Harley: Oh come on, don’t you want to eat “oatmeal” that came out of a bucket and that might put you in the hospital?

Me: I’m seriously afraid of the elimination possibilities here. Let’s just take a picture and then throw the killer oatmeal away.

After the first speaker, Harley and I “went out to my car to get my phone,” then accidentally got in and drove away. Oops. We decided to walk around the shopping center for a while before meeting our friend E. for yogurt. On our walk, we happened to pass a wedding dress shop with a sign in the window that read, “We have Bella’s wedding dress.”

Harley: [mouth open] I hope you know we have to go in there.

Me: Um . . . yes.

Harley: [as we enter the store] Quick, hide your wedding ring.

Me: What? There’s no time!

Wedding Store Girl: Hello ladies, may I help you?

Harley: Um, no thanks, we’re just looking.

Wedding Store Girl: [eyes our ring fingers]

Me: We’re here to see the Twilight dress.

Wedding Store Girl: Aha. No problem, I just got it off the mannequin for someone else a few minutes ago. [walks over to a counter and picks up the dress] Here you go.

Me: Wow. Thanks.

Wedding Store Girl: You should probably hold it up and take a picture with Edward.

Me and Harley: [slow turn to see a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen in his wedding tux]

Me: Yes, you’re probably right about that. Hold on, let me get my Bella face on.

Harley: [as we leave the store] That was amazing.

Me: Mmmmm. We should go on dates more often.

19 thoughts on “Anne And Harley’s Epic Girl Date Of Epicness

  1. I’m disappointed you didn’t decide to try the eliminating oatmeal. What happened to a year of adventures? Oh, wait, that was the whole pretending I married Edward in public thing…

    *Genuine LOL*

  2. You two are the best. I’m moving closer just so I can be a part of these little adventures. That’s a good enough excuse to move, right? Also, the husband and I are definitely going to YMSB at the Workplay if you guys want to go.

    1. Don’t worry, Jacob was there, too. If we weren’t running late to meet our friend, there might have been a whole series of pictures.

  3. That was amazing–I laughed out loud several times while reading this. And I’m sure I, too, would not have been able to resist the allure of trying on Bella’s wedding dress. What a brilliant promotion!

  4. This is beyond hilarious. Sadly, I’m about a decade off from being able to care about Twilight in anyway, but J-Dude mock-fest is always amusing. 😉

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