When I suggested to my friend J. that he watch Twilight, I never EVER expected him to say yes. Because here’s the thing about J: he’s a DUDE. Like, a hunting, fishing, perpetual five o’clock shadow, football-coaching DUDE.
In other words, he’s not your typical Twilight fan.
Imagine my delight when he promised not only to watch Bella and Edward’s love unfold, but also to live-tweet it.
Clearly this is not a treasure one should keep to oneself, so without further delay, I give you:
J. THE DUDE’S TWILIGHT TWEETS
The following tweets were posted on the evening of November 21, 2011. All times are accurate so as to preserve the integrity of this post. Comments in parentheses are my attempts to answer his questions. Ready? Here we go. Giddy up.
5:59 pm: Coming from Dothan, AL, I will be live tweeting the movie “Twilight.”
6:20 pm: If vampires are fast enough to catch deer, then why don’t they play football and make millions? Then they can eat whoever they want… (Because Edward’s sister can see the future, so they just play the stock market, DUH. Who needs football?)
6:22 pm: The town of “Forks,” as in, maybe there will be a fork in the road and she’ll have to choose a lover? #DeadGiveaway #PlotRuined (I hate to tell you this, but Forks is a real place . . . with real Twilight tours. And I kinda want to go.)
6:27 pm: She is pale. Is she this pale in real life? #Ginger (Yep. Also, she’s not acting. That’s just how Kristen Stewart is . . . naturally.)
6:30 pm: Why is there a fan that conveniently blows her hair? Isn’t it cold in Washington? Why the fan? (Because her scent needs to travel to Edward’s nose so that he can be conflicted about HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO DRINK HER BLOOD.)
6:39 pm: I’m pale, so apparently all I have to do to become irresistible is to be awkward, ignore girls, and become a vampire. #ThingsIveLearned
(Me to J: You’re already 1 for 3.)
(J to me: Which one?)
(Me to J: Being awkward.)
(J to me: What?!?! I am not awkward. We need a second opinion on that.)
At this point there was quite a deviation from Twilight to the topic of J’s awkwardness. Several people on Twitter were consulted. The verdict: He’s awkward.
6:44 pm: Again, vampires should use their strength to play sports. #StoppingTheVan
7:01 pm: Did Edward just come to the rescue in a Volvo station wagon? (I did always wonder why it was a Volvo…)
7:07 pm: These people really buy the fact that animals are killing people? Probably the same nuts that are on #FindingBigfoot. (Um, which one makes more sense, animals or vampires? OF COURSE they buy it.)
7:12 pm: I’m ready for John Rambo to jump out, complain about million dollar equipment, and waste all these vampires.
7:30 pm: I’m gonna go to Plan B tonight and give every girl in there a weird look and dance awkwardly with them. #DoneDeal #MondayNightBarCrowd
Upon further investigation, I have discovered that Plan B is a sports bar in Dothan, Alabama.
Good times. Moving on.
7:32 pm: He plays the piano? He’s so dreamy. (Of course he does. He’s perfect, remember? Oh, except that he’s DEAD.)
7:36 pm: “I like watching you sleep”? That line works?
(Me to J: OF COURSE IT DOESN’T WORK IT’S CREEPY.)
7:41 pm: Finally, these vampires are playing sports. Although that throw home from Edward was improbable.
7:43 pm: I really hope the “good” vampires are about to challenge the “evil” vampires for control of the diamond. Like they did in “The Sandlot.”
7:46 pm: Game’s over that quick?! This dialogue is AMAZING! Vampire throwdown!
At this point, I asked J. if Edward had sparkled yet, feeling sure that J. would have a comment to make.
(J to me: He sparkled. It was weird. Felt like I should have had 3D glasses on.)
7:58 pm: This room of mirrors is scaring me. I don’t like this…
8:02 pm: Dang. That’s a lot of biting. Does this mean Bella is a vampire now? Broken neck! Awesome!
8:08 pm: Bella, go to Jacksonville. Love isn’t worth being chased and bitten by vampires. It’s just not.
8:15 pm: “Is it not enough to have a long life with me?” #Barf #MeltsTeenageGirlsFacesOff (Not just teenage girls, J…)
8:17 pm: That’s the end? There was no resolution to that at all!!! (You’ll just have to watch New Moon. Clearly that is the ONLY way you can move toward closure.)
* * *
A few minutes later I received a phone call from J. It went something like this:
Me: Is it over?
J: I’m totally hooked. It’s like, this movie is so stupid, but . . . dang, how’s it gonna turn out?
Me: So you’ll watch New Moon?
J: I don’t think I have any other choice.