“Excuse Me, You Have Toilet Paper Coming Out The Back Of Your Shorts” And Other Stories From DBF

OH, Readers. Decatur Book Festival was AMAZING. I mean, I’d heard about how much fun it is and how great the town of Decatur is and how all the authors who speak are just woven together with threads of awesome.

But I didn’t really believe it until I experienced it for myself this weekend.

Now, I know the title of this post probably has you intrigued, but first: You know how I’ve been going ON and ON about how excited I was to meet Beth Revis at DBF? I mean, I tweeted. I blogged. I talked nonstop about how pumped I was to shake her hand, try to put into words how GENIUS her book is, maybe wrap her up in a bear hug and see if she would agree to be my BFF.


I got to see Beth (with Myra McEntire) speak on Saturday, and Y’ALL. Both of them were just FANTASTIC.

That’s Myra on the left and Beth in the middle. The girl on the right was the moderator. You can go ahead and mentally insert me between Myra and Beth, because that’s where I’d like to be, although I’m not sure I’d survive being surrounded by THAT MUCH AWESOME.

PS: I totally Shanghaied that picture from Twitter. Thanks, lovely person who tweeted it. BUT: I was in the room. So we can imagine I took the picture. Even though I didn’t.

But anyway, when I got up to the table to meet Beth and get her to sign my book, I froze. I smiled, handed her my book, and said “Thanks.” That was it.


Oh well. The panel was awesome, regardless.¬†Evidence of how funny they were: My husband, who (bless his heart) came along to the panel with me even though he doesn’t have an Aspiring Author bone in his body, laughed through the whole thing and is still quoting them.

I spoke on Saturday for exactly three minutes, signed books, and met some awesome people. This all went down at the Emerging Authors stage. It was fun! I sold more books than I expected to, so, HOORAY!

On Sunday I met up with Harley May and Reagan Leigh to see another panel.

Reagan is the adorable one on the left, Harley is the glamorous one on the right, and I’m the one in the middle who looks like she just rolled out of bed. Did I mention the time change was not kind to Baby Girl? And as a result, not kind to us? Hello, 4:30 am wake-up.

The Sunday panel was Rachel Hawkins, Jackson Pearce, and Victoria Schwab. And OH, we were all rolling and crying and massaging our faces because they hurt from all the laughing.

It was magical, I tell you.

Seriously? NO ONE tweeted pictures of this panel? Hrmph. Oh well. Just imagine three girls who might as well be stand-up comedians, only they’re talking about writing. Yeah. It was awesome.

And now for the story that gave us the title of this post:

I dropped my books off at the Emerging Writers Pavilion on Friday night. As we were headed back to our hotel, I stopped to use a Port-A-Potty. (I know. They’re gross. But trust me, I wouldn’t have made it.)

My husband and I then walk, oh, I dunno, a good half mile to the crosswalk that leads to our car. As we’re waiting to cross the street, this policewoman walks up behind me and says, real casual, “Ma’am, you’ve got a toilet seat cover comin’ out the back of your shorts.”

“Oh,” I said. I reached up behind me and sure enough, there was something cheap and pasticky hanging from my waistband. I resisted the urge to say, “YOU’RE WRONG! IT’S TOILET PAPER!” Because really, I wasn’t in a position to argue.

Good times. I’ll definitely be back next year, toilet paper and all.

18 thoughts on ““Excuse Me, You Have Toilet Paper Coming Out The Back Of Your Shorts” And Other Stories From DBF

    1. I hope you get to come next year, too! I wish you would have been there this year. ONE DAY we will meet. And I’m thinking about coming to the Auburn conference–we’ll just see how things go!

    1. Now that I think about it, you’re probably right. But when one discovers that one has been walking in public with toilet paper hanging out of one’s shorts, it FEELS like half a mile.

  1. HAHAHAHAHA. I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing with you. Yes.

    And oh, that panel was HILARIOUS.

    For the record, I wasn’t trying to be glamorous in that photo, I was in the middle of saying “We should…. *CLICK*”

    It really was a great conference.

    1. It was SO great. And it’s okay if you laugh at me. I laughed at myself for quite a while. And Rob laughs at me all the time!

    1. Uncover that mouth and laugh it up! If I didn’t want people to know, I wouldn’t have posted it on the internet!

    1. Wish you could have been there, but I know you’ll go to some awesome west coast stuff and I’ll be jealous of you!

  2. a) Harley look glam no matter what she’s doing.

    b) Rock the book festival, girl!

    c) “Thanks”?! That’s it?!

    1. OMG I know. SO LAME. I hate myself a little bit for that. Guess I’ll just have to go see her somewhere else!

  3. Even though I knew it was coming because of the subject line, I laughed out loud thanks to the way you wrote the police officer paragraph–the mark of a great writer! I’m jealous that you all met up at this festival! I didn’t realize that it was so close to me until I mapped it.

    1. Yeah, it’s not too far away–but isn’t it still quite a haul from St. L? Wish you could have been there. We had a great time!

  4. You are cracking me up!!! Seriously! The first time I met Dave Ramsey, who is one of my heros and fav people, I totally froze. Then it happened to Tay when we got to call into his show and TALK to him. Oh! The horrors!!!

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