Nonsensical Musings

I laughed At Denise Austin And Then She Kicked My Rear

So, I did my first pregnancy workout video tonight. It’s a Denise Austin one that I found at the bottom of my friend’s maternity clothes bag.

“Denise Austin?” I scoffed when I pulled it out. “Ha! How hard can this be? I doubt I’ll break a sweat!”

Not that the point of pregnant exercise is to end up gasping for air on the floor like Week 1 of The Biggest Loser, but I did want a real workout.

Let me back up for a second and tell you why I got this video out in the first place.

Today we went to the doctor for a checkup. After the doctor chased Sprinkle around my uterus for a few minutes and finally managed to get him/her to hold still long enough to get the heartbeat (cheerleader? gymnast? soccer player? Whatever it is, it should get really fun around month 6 when Sprinkle starts kicking me in the ribs) she sat down with my chart and, with a grimace, said the following words:

“Now, everything looks great, but you are a liiiiiiiittle bit ahead of the game on your weight gain.”

“Oh?” I said, feeling my husband bristle next to me. “Down, boy,” I whispered out of the corner of my mouth. But the hair on the scruff of his neck was definitely standing up. Figuratively, of course.

(Later, Rob would make the comment that “no one tells his wife she’s ahead of the game on her weight gain.” Bless.)

“Yes,” the doctor continued, a bit too seriously for my liking. “Our goal is 25 pounds for the whole pregnancy, and you’ve already gained 14.”

“Hmm,” I mused as my face flushed.

“So you should cut out any empty calories you’re eating,” she went on. “Like, any sugary drinks – ”

I have not had a Coke or anything similar for so long, I can’t even remember the last one.

– “ice cream, cake – ”

Okay, she may have me there, but I haven’t had much of either. Certainly not enough to warrant that kind of weight gain.

Dr. Ahead Of The Game went on to list other foods I either haven’t touched in years or haven’t eaten enough of to make such a difference. So the only thing I could think of that might be packing the extra pounds on is my considerable lack of movement.

Hence, Denise Austin.

So Denise starts off with some simple marching in place, and then moves to the “more demanding” side step. She encourages us to “Do what you can! LISTEN to your body! Keep those ab muscles pulled up and back!”

Nevermind that I can’t even locate my ab muscles right now, much less pull them up and anywhere.

We then moved to the Mambo, which was fun because Denise incorporated some oh-s0-hot arm waves in with our Mambo step and the music suddenly changed to Reggaeton. This is when I broke that sweat I swore I’d never break.

“What?” I thought. “Can this video actually be worth something?”

By the time we moved to the side-kick-step-Mambo-combination, I was breathing kind of hard. Three minutes later, I was pretty tired. And that’s when Denise chose to tell us that she worked out every single day of both her pregnancies. AND – wait for it – she even worked out THE DAY SHE DELIVERED HER FIRST CHILD.

And that’s when I decided that if Denise was in the room, I probably would have punched her in the face and maybe Mambo-kick-stepped her right out onto the street.

Despite her agonizing level of Super Aerobics Mom perfection, I am forced to (grudgingly) admit that Denise Austin makes a pretty good pregnancy workout video. And also, if any of you have some pregnancy fitness tips for me, I would be extremely grateful to hear them!

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7 thoughts on “I laughed At Denise Austin And Then She Kicked My Rear

  1. Anne, this is awesome. Just the title was HILARIOUS and I could just see you dancing away in your living room. Can you imagine if you’d tried a Jane Fonda tape?!

  2. Ha! I did Denise Austen with my first pregnancy and that was eighteen years ago. And if you think her comment was bad, imagine being eight months preggo and watching Demi Moore, overdue, do handsprings across David Letterman’s stage. I wobbled and she was doing gymnastics! I would have thrown something at the TV but I didn’t have the energy.

    Take care! Don’t go too crazy. 🙂

  3. Memories 🙂

    I remember being in such a panic putting on some weight early in my first pregnancy. I figured out it was apple juice of all things. We had a work out group for pregnant moms at the time – fun stuff.

  4. You poor thing! I concure with your husband on the bristling over the doc’s ‘your ahead of your weight gain’ thing. Ggrrrr! But bravo to you for hitting the workout video! Just don’t pull a Demi~wow, did she really do that Kristi?!~no reason to go all crazy! LOL!

  5. ok…i am laughing so hard at this post. first of all, how dare that doctor! it is pretty funny though. and secondly, denise austin? i remember having one of her tapes (yes, VHS for those of you who remember) and for one specific arm exercise, she said, “let’s make our OWN shoulder pads!” umm..let’s not.

  6. HA! Y’alls comments made my day! I think I’m going to do another of Denise’s workouts this morning before my shower… wish me luck!

  7. I feel so cheated. I thought pregnancy was a diet-free zone! 🙂 This post is too funny – and your husband sounds like the sweetest.

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