Breakdowns & Panic AttacksEpiphanies


So if you read my last post, you’re aware I’ve been struggling a bit lately. Most of the struggle has centered around me, being obsessed with myself, and expecting everyone else to be obsessed with me too.

I know. Yikes.

But I’m happy to say that after a very nourishing (in so many ways) lunch with my friend Sophie, several long talks with my dear husband, and all the incredible comments from you guys, I am feeling about a million times better.

Will I have some other type of psychotic breakdown at some point in the near future? Oh, sure. And it will probably involve a lot of tears while I point out my every flaw, loudly, to my spouse and wail about what a mess I am. And then I will consume a large amount of greasy, carb-laden food to make myself feel better (until the indigestion hits, anyway). And no doubt this hypothetical breakdown will culminate with my standing in the closet talking about how much I hate all my clothes.

But until that happens, Hooray! I am in great spirits.

Isn’t it funny how self-centered we humans can be? For example – and please don’t think I’m throwing myself another pity party here, because I’m really not – but do y’all ever compare the number of blog followers or Twitter followers you have to the number that other people have, and feel somehow unvalidated because it’s not as many?

I do. How pathetic is that? Do I really have that much of an inferiority complex that I’m sitting there going, “Well, she has 450 Twitter followers and I only have 150. What can I do to get more people to follow me?”

Because let me tell you, that exactΒ thought has gone through my mind before. Same with the blog followers.

It’s so silly. So childish and immature and frivolous.

When this new website gets going – remember? The one I’m going to use to lure some publishers into my lair? – I’m going to link my blog into it, but I think I might disable the “Followers” feature. And – call me crazy, but I might disable the comments, too. Because guess what?

Yep. I judge myself based on the number of comments my posts get. (Please don’t leave me a pity comment because I said that. That isn’t what I’m going for here.)

In short, I am an insecure person, probably just like all of you. So I’ve got a new gameplan: Focus all my energy (or most of it, anyway) on others. Helping others, spending time with others, loving others. Serving others. Being a good wife, daughter, sister, friend.

And forgetting about ME for a little while.

Love y’all. For real, thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot.

6 thoughts on “Comparisons

  1. You always make me smile Anne! I think many writers are insecure. It took a LOT for me to make my first comment on another blog – never mind start my own. Who in the world would want to hear what I have to say??? But it's turned out to be fun! I think you're doing a great job here & it's okay to cut yourself a break. πŸ™‚

  2. Do I refresh my @Amanda_Cathryn page on twitter to see if anyone has tried to talk to/about me all the time? Do I get sad when I see that someone got 23 comments on their latest post, but I only got 1? Does it bother me that someone joined twitter and had 4 times as many followers as me with a matter of hours?

    No… of course I don't do that…everyday. πŸ™‚

    I know *exactly* what you're talking about, and it sucks. I try not to let it bother me. Try to tell myself that those people have been doing things longer than me, that their opinion is actually worth hearing, but I'm still, I dunno, jealous?

    Yea, I'm jealous. But I'm also darn proud of the followers and comments that I've got. And I try not to get caught up in the things that don't matter and try to focus on the things that do.

    So, you aren't alone. Not at all. πŸ™‚

  3. This is a pity comment. That's all.

    Okay, maybe it's not. The whole Twitter thing's amusing, isn't it? I have no idea what those people with 40,000 followers do. I have several hundred, but only interact regularly with about 20. It's odd.

    I applaud your resolution, though, good lady. Good for you. πŸ™‚

  4. Hmm, I think anyone who says they aren't affected by the number of comments or followers is probably being dishonest (quite possibly with themselves). In some ways, it's all just a big popularity contest isn't it? Like if you get 600 followers, you might get invited to the cool parties. But if you have, say 1,000 followers, you throw the cool parties.

    But, let's be honest, just like in high school, being "popular" doesn't mean you're special or smart or successful. I don't know what it means, actually. But I do know that you are special, intelligent, talented, and that you're a pretty amazing person all around. Success will come to you no matter how many blog/Twitter followers you have.

    But those of us that are following you now–we're the smart ones, sweetie, because we see the magic in you NOW. We don't need your (imminent) publications to lure us with shiny promises. We'll be able to say, "We knew her when…" And that's pretty dang cool. So, you know, we be believe in you. My own insecurities often get the best of me–so I totally get this, but I love that you're taking control of things…you're new gameplan totally rocks.

  5. Maybe that's why I stopped blogging…nobody seemed to be reading it and I thought, Self, why are you doing this? Anyway, it really boils down to laziness and an extreme obsession with the show Weeds which, if my mom knew I watched it, would probably disown me because it' so bad…but man, it's funny.

    Anyway, no pity here, just a friend saying that Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream is a good Darkness food. Be dark and twisty. Then come back to us πŸ™‚

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