Anne Riley

The following events took place on the night of Friday, January 20th, 2012, between the hours of 5:30 and 7:00 pm. Names have not been changed because there are no innocent parties to protect. 

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It’s 5:30 pm and I’m late for my date with Harley May. I pull into the Whole Foods parking lot at a reckless speed of 7 miles per hour. Pedestrians dive for the sidewalks, dogs yip in terror, small children wail into their mothers’ legs as my Ford Fiesta cruises each aisle in search of a parking space. Who knew Whole Foods was such a hoppin’ place on a Friday night?

Against all odds, I slip into a space mere dozens of minutes before someone else surely would have stolen it. I barrel-roll out of the driver’s seat and click the “lock” button over my shoulder while doing the Mom Shuffle (a quick walk-run, usually done while crossing a busy street, even when no cars are coming) to the door. 

Harley has invited me to a “Cleanse and Detox” event at the Whole Foods. She’s already in line for some yummy squash-apple-pine nut-cranberry concoction. I spot her quickly because she’s in a super hot red dress with high-heeled boots. She looks amazing. I look sort of like this. 

We get our plates of fiber-rich foods and samples of wine, then sit down on the back row for the presentation. A woman stands in front of us and begins to move her mouth. Either she’s a mime, or there’s some trouble brewing with the acoustics in this place. 

Me: Can you hear what that woman is saying?

Harley: No. The grocery store music is really loud. Also, next to the bathrooms might not have been the greatest location for this.

[We hear a toilet flush as several small children race out of the bathroom, give us a suspicious glance, and run to their parents.]

Me: What does she have in that bucket?

Harley: I think she just said it was some sort of oatmeal.

Me: Oatmeal in a bucket?

Harley: [laughing]

Me: What? What did she say?

Harley: She said our goal should be to “eliminate” three times a day.

Me: …………………..

Harley: Poop.

Me: AH. Well why didn’t she just say “poop”? That reminds me of when I was pregnant and my doctor kept talking about how often I would have the “urge to void.”

Harley: …………………….

Me: Pee.

Harley: Look, she said it again! I think we should take a sip of this wine every time she says the word “eliminate.”

Me: We’re gonna need more, then. Is this even alcoholic? Because this brochure keeps talking about how you shouldn’t drink alcohol. I’m pretty sure this is non-alcoholic wine.

Girl Next To Us: I don’t have any fillings.

Me and Harley: [side eye]

Girl Next To Us: She’s talking about fillings. How toxic they are. Do you have any fillings?

Me: Um, yes. But they’re porcelain.

Harley: [not paying attention to us]

Me: Yep, porcelain fillings. Fancy porcelain fillings.

Girl Next To Us: I never had braces, either.

Me: Really? I had them twice. I hate you.

Girl Next To Us: [frightened look]

Harley: Oh my gosh, she’s talking about the oatmeal in the bucket again. She just said something about how someone had to go to the hospital after they ate that stuff.

Me: What?! Hang on–are they spooning out samples for us? No way, dude. I’m not eating that.

Harley: Oh come on, don’t you want to eat “oatmeal” that came out of a bucket and that might put you in the hospital?

Me: I’m seriously afraid of the elimination possibilities here. Let’s just take a picture and then throw the killer oatmeal away.

After the first speaker, Harley and I “went out to my car to get my phone,” then accidentally got in and drove away. Oops. We decided to walk around the shopping center for a while before meeting our friend E. for yogurt. On our walk, we happened to pass a wedding dress shop with a sign in the window that read, “We have Bella’s wedding dress.”

Harley: [mouth open] I hope you know we have to go in there.

Me: Um . . . yes.

Harley: [as we enter the store] Quick, hide your wedding ring.

Me: What? There’s no time!

Wedding Store Girl: Hello ladies, may I help you?

Harley: Um, no thanks, we’re just looking.

Wedding Store Girl: [eyes our ring fingers]

Me: We’re here to see the Twilight dress.

Wedding Store Girl: Aha. No problem, I just got it off the mannequin for someone else a few minutes ago. [walks over to a counter and picks up the dress] Here you go.

Me: Wow. Thanks.

Wedding Store Girl: You should probably hold it up and take a picture with Edward.

Me and Harley: [slow turn to see a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen in his wedding tux]

Me: Yes, you’re probably right about that. Hold on, let me get my Bella face on.

Harley: [as we leave the store] That was amazing.

Me: Mmmmm. We should go on dates more often.

Okay, first things first. Married-Couple-Slash-Alter-Ego Giveaway Winner Dale & Patty Jacks? Has not contacted me. I even gave him/her/them a WHOLE EXTRA DAY. Nothing. Not a peep.

SAD TROMBONE, DALE & PATTY.

So you know what that means. Off to random.org I scurried, and our new winner is:

CRYSTAL! And Crystal, I reeeeeally hope you are the Crystal who lives here in Birmingham because that would mean both my winners are local and THAT would mean I don’t have to mail either book and THAT would mean NO POSTAGE COSTS FTW.

Um, but if you’re a different Crystal, no worries, yeah?

(Okay, just quickly before I talk about anything else, I have GOT to tell y’all about this guy sitting next to me in Starbucks. He has settled himself down at a table that is LITERALLY two feet away from me, even though there are OUTLETS A-PLENTY at tables all over this dadgum place. He’s listening to some kind of music that, as far as I can tell, is just people snapping, and every time he answers the phone [which is a lot] he goes, “Yeah, dawg.”)

(What is happening here? Where am I? I thought I left all the creepers at PANERA.)

(If you didn’t get that joke, you really need to start following me on Twitter. There has been some STUFF GOING DOWN at the Panera, people.)

(Oh my gosh now he’s ARGUING with someone on the phone. I have got to get OUT OF HERE.)

If you don’t simmer down over there, DAWG, I will unleash my inner Angry Cat on you.

So anyway, how is everyone doing so far with the Christmas and whatnot? I’m gonna try to say this without coming off too cheesy, but based on some of the blogs and tweets I’ve seen, I think it might be a good idea for some people to take a long, hot bath, and maybe a nap? And maybe a deep breath or two, yes? Try not to let the cleaning and the shopping and the cooking take away your joy?

All I’m saying is, there’s power in delegation. For example, yesterday while playing with Baby Girl, a very . . . um . . . pungent scent wafted past my nostrils. I looked at Rob and said, “Baby Girl smells like poop, can you check into that? I’m gonna go dosomethingback hhuewelsd…..”

The Trail-Off-Excuse, as demonstrated above, is a great way to delegate. It alllllmost sounds like a legit reason to not do whatever you want to get out of doing, but because you’re not actually saying WORDS, there’s no way anyone can challenge you. It does, however, require a speedy exit out of the room.

(OMG now the guy is going, “I can’t HEAR YOU, dawg. You MUFFLED. You MUFFLED, DAWG.”)

(Maybe you should GET THE HECK OUTTA THIS STARBUCKS, DAWG, or I’m about to MUFFLE YOU.)

Anyway, I think this is a good time to give you an update on Creepy Faces Book. I’ve written 6 chapters, and then tweaked all of them based on my crit partners’ feedback.

Can I just tell you how much I love my CPs? They are completely awesome and ALWAYS see something I’ve missed. More than that, they see the potential a scene has and suggest things I might never have thought of.

If I were a real monkey and my CPs were a stuffed monkey–not several stuffed monkeys, you understand, but just ONE COLLECTIVE stuffed monkey–I would snuggle them like this. Just EXACTLY LIKE THIS.

So yeah, the book’s going great. This is the slowest I’ve ever written a first draft, and it feels as strong as some of my 3rd or 4th drafts have been in the past. And you know, it’s actually good that it’s taking a while, because Lord knows I need something to distract me while I query.

Hey, did y’all know there’s a lot of waiting when you query?

Cuz there is a LOT. OF. WAITING.

*longsuffering sigh*

(OMG, there is a couple in the corner who is totally on a blind date and they are trying to impress each other and laughing WAY too loudly.)

Okay . . . I think it’s time to wrap this up. What are you doing for the holidays? Traveling? Staying home? I would stick around and elaborate on the Blind Date Laugh-stravaganza, but really, I’ve got to get home, DAWGS.

Peace out and Merry Christmas!

Today is one of those days where I feel completely drained of all creativity. Maybe it has to do with the cold that has officially overstayed its welcome (cold as in, the germ; not the temperature) (because by the way it was in the 70′s today and I had to turn the AC on when I got home from work) (Hate Cold Weather? Move To Alabama, Where Winter Only Lasts Two Weeks!).

Oh, but LOOK at how much fun we have for those two weeks.

Nah, I don’t know these people, but this photo was tweeted by our local weatherman. It’s a pretty accurate depiction of how we feel about Snow And Other Winter Legends.

Maybe the problem is that it’s the end of the semester at school and I’ve just now realized how much there is to do before I leave campus at the end of the week.

Or maybe it’s the Query Rodeo, which gave me a little bit of a kick in the ol’ shins this afternoon.

I don’t know what the problem is, but I do know that I rewrote Chapter 5 of my new book, which I’m currently referring to as Creepy Faces Book, at least three times today. And then I tried to work on it some more tonight but only managed to question the entire idea and rethink the purpose of the story and THEN I went on to question my purpose as a writer.

It was one of those Death Spirals Of Doubt.

Also? Our microwave handle came off in my husband’s hand yesterday. And the weirdest thing is, that’s not the first time it’s happened. Oh, and I got cheesecake in my hair at lunch and one of my work colleagues had to pick it out.

Feel free to start telling me how difficult my life is in three . . . two . . . one . . .

*sigh*

Anyway, wow, do you see how much I’ve managed to write with absolutely NO apparent direction or actual, you know, topic? That’s amazing, isn’t it? I’m pretty good at that. One time in college I forgot about a 20-page paper I was supposed to write for my final. I remembered it exactly two hours before it was due. I’d done NO research on it and I wasn’t even at my dorm when I remembered. And y’all, I cranked that puppy out in an hour and a half, and I got a C+.

Isn’t that amazing?

Are you ready for me to stop talking so you can move on? Yeah, me too. I’ll have something more fun for you on Thursday. Until then, be careful opening your microwave and for crying out loud, stay away from the cheesecake.