A Dude Watches New Moon–And Live Tweets It

November 27 was an epic day. It was the day I published the first ever “J. The Dude” post, in which my friend J, who is a complete and total DUDE in every sense of the word, agreed to watch Twilight and live-tweet his comments so that lo, we might laugh merrily. And there was much rejoicing.

J became an Anne Riley Books sensation, attracting a multitude of page hits and comments. People loved it. They wanted more. So I begged asked J to consider watching New Moon and humoring me with another live-tweet event.

And HE AGREED.

So without further delay, I give you:

J THE DUDE’S NEW MOON TWEETS

The following tweets were posted on the evening of January 24, 2012, by one “J the Dude.” All times are accurate so as to preserve the questionable integrity of this post. Comments in parentheses are my own. 

7:37 pm: Obviously, this is a dream. The old woman is terrifying. Wait–that’s her, isn’t it?!? BOOM!

7:41 pm: This long-haired character is a creeper. Why doesn’t the vampire eat him?

(Me to J: Which long-haired character?)

Although J did not respond immediately, I found out who he was talking about soon enough.

7:46 pm: French vampires?!?! Whoaaaaaa. They ripped that vampire apart. Where is all the blood? (I don’t think vampires have blood. That’s part of the reason they’re so cold. That, and they’re, you know, dead.)

7:50 pm: This dialogue is brutal.

7:53 pm: Well, I bet that wasn’t nominated for Best Kiss. (That scene is pretty much the most awkward thing ever. It’ll make you never want to kiss anybody ever again.)

7:57 pm: If I was watching this in a theater, I would be booing. They would have to escort me out. Unless I was on a date . . . then I’d keep it classy.

7:58 pm: Of course, if I was in the theater watching this and not on a date, I would allow (his friend) to punch me in the face.

At this point, one of our mutual friends chimed in to ask if J was, in fact, live-tweeting a Twilight movie . . . again. 

(J to the friend: Yes, @AnneRiley made me do it.)

(Me to both of them: True. This is all my fault.)

(Another friend to me and J: It takes two to tango.)

8:11 pm: The long-haired dude’s name is Jake? Ugh.

At this point I shall reveal that J’s first name is, in fact, Jacob–and he goes by Jake. He gave me his blessing to publish that bit of information about him by saying, “Do whatever you need to do.” Thanks, J. (I guess I can call you Jake now, but for some reason, I prefer to stick with J.)

Anyway, after Jake’s comment about Jake’s name being Jake (because that wasn’t confusing at all), the following exchange took place between us because I had just realized that Jacob was the “long-haired creeper” he referred to at the beginning of the movie.

(Me to J: Do you not remember him from the first movie?)

(J to me: No . . . I tried to repress . . . Oh my gosh he is taking his shirt off. This is pathetic.)

8:15 pm: Friends, if I am ever in the habit of screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night, please check me into a hospital.

8:24 pm: High school date with a third wheel. Been there . . . as the third wheel. LOL at the guys holding their hands out during the movie.

8:32 pm: Jake just pulled the George Costanza “it’s not you it’s me” line. #Plagiarism

8:37 pm: Oh crap. That vampire just scared the heck outta me.

8:40 pm: What the heck?!? That’s a big freaking wolf!

When J and I were at college together, we went to the same church. Our former pastor is on Twitter and was witnessing J’s New Moon tweets in real time. At this point he chimed in with his own comment on the matter, suggesting that as J viewed the movie, he was also “mowing through a tray of pizza bites, half a carton of ice cream, a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies, and crying softly.”

8:44 pm: Please tell this young werewolf gentleman to put a shirt on . . . and Bella is a —-.

(Me to J: I’m gonna have to edit that one.)

(J to me: Pales in comparison to the vulgarities I’m screaming from my couch right now. This movie is crazy.)

9:05 pm: I would like to know who wrote and authenticated the treaty between the werewolves and the vampires. (That’s a good question, actually. Does anyone know the answer?)

9:12 pm: Ah, now I understand the foreshadowing of the Romeo and Juliet stuff at the beginning. Can’t believe I missed that.

9:16 pm: Okay, this is getting intense. #ThingsICantBelieveImSaying

9:21 pm: This Edward/Bella love connection looks like a drunken hookup that you would only find late-night at a college bar. (Klassy.)

9:22 pm: Wait, is that the little girl from War of the Worlds? Dakota something? (Fanning, and yes, it’s her. Also? She was on the cover of Cosmo this month. Not sure how I feel about that.)

9:29 pm: Are the werewolves about to show up? That would be awesome! (I don’t know exactly what part you’re at, but if Dakota Fanning is there, then . . . no.)

9:45 pm: Uh oh. Wedding in Part 3? What if there are werewolf wedding crashers, that would be awesome. I see a spinoff . . .

9:46 pm: First half of the movie was terrible. Second half was better. I’m looking forward to Part 3. (So are we, J. So are we.)

*          *          *

Immediately after this last tweet, my phone rang. Given that this was Night #2 of my battle with the WALKIN’ pneumonia, I sort of grumbled “Hello” and basically just listened as he went into further detail about his “Werewolf Wedding Crashers” spinoff idea.

The bottom line? J the Dude is . . .

*IMPORTANT UPDATE* It’s J the Dude’s BIRTHDAY today! Happy birthday, Jake!

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A Dude Watches Twilight–And Live Tweets It

When I suggested to my friend J. that he watch Twilight, I never EVER expected him to say yes. Because here’s the thing about J: he’s a DUDE. Like, a hunting, fishing, perpetual five o’clock shadow, football-coaching DUDE.

In other words, he’s not your typical Twilight fan.

Imagine my delight when he promised not only to watch Bella and Edward’s love unfold, but also to live-tweet it.

Clearly this is not a treasure one should keep to oneself, so without further delay, I give you:

J. THE DUDE’S TWILIGHT TWEETS

The following tweets were posted on the evening of November 21, 2011. All times are accurate so as to preserve the integrity of this post. Comments in parentheses are my attempts to answer his questions. Ready? Here we go. Giddy up.

5:59 pm: Coming from Dothan, AL, I will be live tweeting the movie “Twilight.”

6:20 pm: If vampires are fast enough to catch deer, then why don’t they play football and make millions? Then they can eat whoever they want… (Because Edward’s sister can see the future, so they just play the stock market, DUH. Who needs football?)

6:22 pm: The town of “Forks,” as in, maybe there will be a fork in the road and she’ll have to choose a lover? #DeadGiveaway #PlotRuined (I hate to tell you this, but Forks is a real place . . . with real Twilight tours. And I kinda want to go.)

6:27 pm: She is pale. Is she this pale in real life? #Ginger (Yep. Also, she’s not acting. That’s just how Kristen Stewart is . . . naturally.)

6:30 pm: Why is there a fan that conveniently blows her hair? Isn’t it cold in Washington? Why the fan? (Because her scent needs to travel to Edward’s nose so that he can be conflicted about HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO DRINK HER BLOOD.)

6:39 pm: I’m pale, so apparently all I have to do to become irresistible is to be awkward, ignore girls, and become a vampire. #ThingsIveLearned

(Me to J: You’re already 1 for 3.)

(J to me: Which one?)

(Me to J: Being awkward.)

(J to me: What?!?! I am not awkward. We need a second opinion on that.)

At this point there was quite a deviation from Twilight to the topic of J’s awkwardness. Several people on Twitter were consulted. The verdict: He’s awkward.

6:44 pm: Again, vampires should use their strength to play sports. #StoppingTheVan

7:01 pm: Did Edward just come to the rescue in a Volvo station wagon? (I did always wonder why it was a Volvo…)

7:07 pm: These people really buy the fact that animals are killing people? Probably the same nuts that are on #FindingBigfoot. (Um, which one makes more sense, animals or vampires? OF COURSE they buy it.)

7:12 pm: I’m ready for John Rambo to jump out, complain about million dollar equipment, and waste all these vampires.

7:30 pm: I’m gonna go to Plan B tonight and give every girl in there a weird look and dance awkwardly with them. #DoneDeal #MondayNightBarCrowd

Upon further investigation, I have discovered that Plan B is a sports bar in Dothan, Alabama.

Good times. Moving on.

7:32 pm: He plays the piano? He’s so dreamy. (Of course he does. He’s perfect, remember? Oh, except that he’s DEAD.)

7:36 pm: “I like watching you sleep”? That line works?

(Me to J: OF COURSE IT DOESN’T WORK IT’S CREEPY.)

7:41 pm: Finally, these vampires are playing sports. Although that throw home from Edward was improbable.

7:43 pm: I really hope the “good” vampires are about to challenge the “evil” vampires for control of the diamond. Like they did in “The Sandlot.”

7:46 pm: Game’s over that quick?! This dialogue is AMAZING! Vampire throwdown!

At this point, I asked J. if Edward had sparkled yet, feeling sure that J. would have a comment to make.

(J to me: He sparkled. It was weird. Felt like I should have had 3D glasses on.)

7:58 pm: This room of mirrors is scaring me. I don’t like this…

8:02 pm: Dang. That’s a lot of biting. Does this mean Bella is a vampire now? Broken neck! Awesome!

8:08 pm: Bella, go to Jacksonville. Love isn’t worth being chased and bitten by vampires. It’s just not.

8:15 pm: “Is it not enough to have a long life with me?” #Barf #MeltsTeenageGirlsFacesOff (Not just teenage girls, J…)

8:17 pm: That’s the end? There was no resolution to that at all!!! (You’ll just have to watch New Moon. Clearly that is the ONLY way you can move toward closure.)

*          *          *

A few minutes later I received a phone call from J. It went something like this:

Me: Is it over?

J: I’m totally hooked. It’s like, this movie is so stupid, but . . . dang, how’s it gonna turn out?

Me: So you’ll watch New Moon?

J: I don’t think I have any other choice.

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