Reality Check

Listen, y’all. There is a MISCONCEPTION going on in Internet-land, and it centers on this one idea:

Everyone has it together except me. 

Now, I’m not talking about ME me. I know for a FACT that I don’t have it all together. But this is a thought that has zipped through all of our heads at one point or another, am I right?

Everyone else’s kids behave better than mine. 

Everyone else’s house is cleaner than mine. 

Everyone else is more attractive than I am. 

LIES.

“Oh, sure,” you say. “It’s easy for you to call these lies, but you don’t know what my kitchen looks like. You don’t know what my kids said to me today. You don’t know what’s in my car, or how terrible my skin looks, or how long it’s been since I cleaned my bathroom.”

DON’T I?

FACT: I recently found hard-as-a-rock French fries wedged between the seat and the gearshift console in my car. HEAVEN KNOWS how long they had been there. And I regularly discover old sippy cups full of what used to be milk that have rolled under one of the seats. It’s all I can do to launch them into the trash can without gagging.

FACT: 90% of the time, I look like this:

photo 1

Literally took this picture right now.

Please notice lack of makeup, multitude of blemishes, and Katniss braid that MIGHT be cool except that whenever I get pregnant, I lose the hair around my hairline, so now–a year after Baby J’s birth–I have this ring of 6-inch long, scraggly, weirdly curly sprigs of hair right around my hairline. You can see some coming out from behind my ear, and then also on the corners (?) of my head. Yeah…those aren’t bangs. And they look a lot better NOW than they did when they were only an inch long. Holy mother of pearl, that was a pain.

FACT: Only one of my children can talk, but–well, let’s just say we’re no strangers to discipline. The three-year-old might put on a good front when she’s in public, but believe me when I say we have had some CHATS about what comes out of her mouth. My husband once had an entire conversation with a friend at the grocery store while M. kicked and screamed on the tile floor. Don’t get me wrong–she is precious, and we love her and Baby J more than life itself. But just about every morning, we have about a thirty-minute window of screaming and crying while they get ready for school. Lord have mercy at the drama.

FACT: This is my kitchen sink, right now:photo 2

See that heart decoration? It’s been up since Valentine’s Day. I just now decided it was probably time to take it down. And if you’re thinking there aren’t that many dirty dishes in the sink–well, you’re right, but it’s only because we have already done dishes TWICE today. And oh look, the trash needs to be taken out, but instead of actually taking it out, I’ve helpfully pulled the trash can out onto the floor.

That’s just great, Anne Riley. Thanks so much for your servant’s heart.

(If you look closely, you can see that I did not bother to paint the inside of the cabinet doors when I was repainting all the cabinets. This is mostly because I want to line them with some cool wallpaper and therefore didn’t feel it was necessary to paint them, but it’s also a little bit because I was TIRED OF PAINTING, MY WORD.)

FACT: This is where we keep our clean laundry:

photo 3

I mean, sure, we sometimes get around to putting it up. But generally, we end up wearing things again before they ever make it to the dresser, so unless someone’s coming over, this is where we get our clean socks.

And then I threw in a picture of my dresser, just for funsies:

photo 5

Can we please take inventory of the things lying on top of it?

1) LED flashlight gift box

2) Baby Owl hat for winter (does not currently fit either of our children)

3) A pair of high heels I borrowed from a friend that didn’t fit because my feet grew an entire size during my first pregnancy and I have yet to accept it, so I keep trying to wear shoes in my old size, but it never works, but I keep denying it because I am a nutjob

4) Deodorant (hey! a sign of personal hygiene, that’s always good!)

5) A sweet picture made by M. a couple years ago

6) An interesting musical juxtaposition: The Black Keys sitting on top of Veggie Tales “Hosanna.” Because gritty rock n’ roll paired with cartoon vegetables singing about Jesus is just how we roll.

7) Three different lip balms, a fancy bobby pin whose mate I can’t find, and a flash drive with basically my entire life on it. Good thing it’s just lying around where literally anything could happen to it.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. A reality check, courtesy of yours truly. My house is not clean, my skin is not clear, I’m irresponsible with my possessions and Lord knows what you might find if you ride in my car.

Happy March, everyone, and I hope you have a fabulous week free of pressure and lies!

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