How To Blow Lent On The First Day

1. The first step to blowing Lent is to make a vow (resolution? promise? goal-oriented statement?) about what you plan to give up for Lent.

This was mine:

OH, POOR MISGUIDED SOUL. And of course I sent it to MY HUSBAND, who was probably falling out of his chair with laughter because, as we all know, I am not the best at following through with my goals.

2. Leave school on an empty stomach. Like an idiot.

3. Start thinking about food before you are even out of the parking lot.

4. Pick up daughter from daycare. Realize that she smells slightly of macaroni and cheese. Consider what your next move might be if you were prone to cannibalism.

5. Do not eat daughter.

6. Pull up to Intersection of Death, so named for the McDonald’s and Zaxby’s that beckon to you every afternoon, luring you in with their promise of grease and fried things, like some kind of cheese-laden Sirens.

7. Mentally scroll through the list of menu items you could get from each place. A Big Mac? Some Nibblers? And fries, OH THE FRIES.

Suddenly you rememberย the Wendy’s incident, and the memory of how much you hated yourself on that fateful afternoon gives you the strength to keep driving.

8. Floor it past both establishments with your stomach growling and your mouth watering. Try to remember what kind of snacks you put in Baby Girl’s diaper bag last week. Decide that you cannot look for them without wrecking your car, and even if you could, pureed green beans doesn’t sound so great.

Not nearly as great as a Big Mac.

9. Feel sorry for yourself. Consider turning around.

10. Do not turn around because Baby Girl is tired and has decided that this is the perfect time to start communicating, via earsplitting screeches, the depth of her exhaustion.

11. Hoof it to your house. Get Baby Girl in bed and congratulate yourself on arriving home with no fast food. Now you can make a healthy snack, something that will actually give your body vitamins instead of ammunition for heartburn.

12. Open the refrigerator and look for Healthy Things.

13. Discover package of cookie dough you bought last week and forgot about.

14. Stare at cookie dough.

15. Stare at cookie dough.

16. YEARN FOR COOKIES.

17. Tear package apart like ravenous wildebeest and throw cookies on cookie sheet. Shove cookies in oven with no regard for level of pre-heatedness. Set timer.

18. Make cheese omelet that is more cheese than omelet. Why stop now?

19. Eat omelet while cookies bake.

20. Stare at oven timer, willing it to go FASTER FASTER FASTER.

21. Timer goes off! Eat three cookies. Hate yourself because your body doesn’t process sugar well and YOU KNOW THIS. That’s the reason you decided to give up sugar in the first place. What is wrong with you?

22. Feel gross and sad. Your first-ever attempt at Lent has crashed and burned in the first twenty-four hours.

23. Swear you’ll try again tomorrow.

24. No, really.

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20 thoughts on “How To Blow Lent On The First Day

  1. Rhonda Cowsert says:

    Here’s the thing – I would have eaten the cookie dough raw so I believe you only half failed Lent. Of course I might not be the best litmus test for that one since God and I have an understanding. Well, I have an understanding that giving up anything I love for Lent is bound to end in, well, unbridled consumption of raw cookie dough so I just don’t give anything up. That way I can’t fail. And God can’t be disappointed in me. Well, technically He can and probably is – but NOT for promising not to scarf cookie dough directly from the refrigerator and then inhaling it in one go.

    Clearly my theology is a bit skewed. Think God has a sense of humor? Or, more importantly, is there a possibility of getting central air conditioning in hell?

    1. Anne Riley says:

      Rhonda, you are so funny! Not only do I firmly believe that God has a fantastic sense of humor (he invented it, after all), I also believe there’s no way he can be disappointed in you. I have my theological reasons for this, but I’m pretty sure the comments of a “how to blow lent” post is not the place to go into them. Just know that he treasures you and me, and all of our brokenness. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Harley says:

    You didn’t eat Zaxby’s, McDonalds, OR your daughter. Those sound like success stories.

    And “The Intersection of Death” = brilliant. It really is a horrible intersection, all around.

    1. Anne Riley says:

      Isn’t it? And it is placed JUST SO that I have to drive through it when I am the hungriest. It is a CONSPIRACY, I tell you.

  3. Ann Best says:

    I LOVE this! It made me smile on one of my down days. Rhonda’s comment also made me smile. *I* think God has a sense of humor. He has to have one because he created us!

  4. Mary says:

    Oh, dear. I do hate when that happens. I really don’t think that I could give up sugar, though I do need to cut down on my intake (and carbs…carbs, how I love you so). Hey, there’s always tomorrow!

  5. Jodi says:

    Love! I always give up alcohol. Which is kind of like NOT giving up anything since I have roughly 2 glasses of wine a month. If I tried giving up sugar, it would most likely result in a felony. And how could God want that? Next time eat the Big Mac. Technically, I think it qualifies as sugar-free. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. Anne Riley says:

      Totally! My main problem was that Iโ€™d made the statement โ€œI need to eat betterโ€ at least 45 times in the past week, and Rob has been trying to keep me accountable, which means I needed to at least TRY. And I did. It was the cookies that killed me.

  6. Jessica Love says:

    I agree…you COOKED the dough. That probably cooked off at least half of the sugar. You’re golden. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I’ve never attempted Lent, but I know that just telling myself I CAN’T HAVE SOMETHING NO MATTER WHAT makes me want it 10x more than I ever did before. Recipe for failure, right there.

    1. Anne Riley says:

      LOL I love the idea that baking cookies “cooks off some of the sugar.” Riiiiight. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve never attempted Lent before, either. And I’m starting to think that anything resembling a resolution is just not gonna work for me.

  7. Alicia says:

    I’ve tried the lent thing once. In college, and I gave up fried food. Seriously? No fried food while I was in COLLEGE? I don’t know what I was thinking. It was probably along the lines of “I’d rather starve than give up sweets.” Perhaps you should give yourself more chance for success and narrow down that goal to say…just cookies, or donuts, or something you struggle with but leaves you an option to not go crazy. Besides, sugar is in everything these days. You can hardy find bread without it. So it wasn’t actually your fault, I blame corporate food companies that taunt you with sugar.

    Also, don’t forget that the Sunday’s during lent don’t count!

    1. Anne Riley says:

      Oh, I didn’t know the Sunday rule! But it doesn’t matter because I’ve already given up. ๐Ÿ™‚ And yeah, fried food is like, one of my true loves.

  8. Kathryn Sheridan Kupanoff says:

    Don’t go on Pinterest if you plan on maintaining your “no-sugar for Lent” goal. Since yesterday, ALL OF THE PINS HAVE BEEN CHOCOLATE-Y.

    O_o…

    I’m doing no sweets this Lent, but in the years past, I’ve done no coffee (never again. No one in life was happy about me doing that), no makeup (40 days of feeling awful–go Kat go!), and no People.com (which lasted a whole 5 minutes before I subconsciously clicked on the link). I never do the Sunday rule because Monday is all the harder.

    This post was awesome, by the way. You rock!

    1. Anne Riley says:

      Hahahaha thanks! I cannot imagine going without coffee as it is my lifeblood. And yeah, I think trying to give up something for whatever reason is just not going to work for me. Thanks for stopping by!

      1. Kathryn Sheridan Kupanoff says:

        You can always choose to do something proactive in lieu of sacrifice. Sometimes, giving things up is just not in the cards, it seems. ๐Ÿ™‚

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