A Dude Watches New Moon–And Live Tweets It

November 27 was an epic day. It was the day I published the first ever “J. The Dude” post, in which my friend J, who is a complete and total DUDE in every sense of the word, agreed to watch Twilight and live-tweet his comments so that lo, we might laugh merrily. And there was much rejoicing.

J became an Anne Riley Books sensation, attracting a multitude of page hits and comments. People loved it. They wanted more. So I begged asked J to consider watching New Moon and humoring me with another live-tweet event.

And HE AGREED.

So without further delay, I give you:

J THE DUDE’S NEW MOON TWEETS

The following tweets were posted on the evening of January 24, 2012, by one “J the Dude.” All times are accurate so as to preserve the questionable integrity of this post. Comments in parentheses are my own. 

7:37 pm: Obviously, this is a dream. The old woman is terrifying. Wait–that’s her, isn’t it?!? BOOM!

7:41 pm: This long-haired character is a creeper. Why doesn’t the vampire eat him?

(Me to J: Which long-haired character?)

Although J did not respond immediately, I found out who he was talking about soon enough.

7:46 pm: French vampires?!?! Whoaaaaaa. They ripped that vampire apart. Where is all the blood? (I don’t think vampires have blood. That’s part of the reason they’re so cold. That, and they’re, you know, dead.)

7:50 pm: This dialogue is brutal.

7:53 pm: Well, I bet that wasn’t nominated for Best Kiss. (That scene is pretty much the most awkward thing ever. It’ll make you never want to kiss anybody ever again.)

7:57 pm: If I was watching this in a theater, I would be booing. They would have to escort me out. Unless I was on a date . . . then I’d keep it classy.

7:58 pm: Of course, if I was in the theater watching this and not on a date, I would allow (his friend) to punch me in the face.

At this point, one of our mutual friends chimed in to ask if J was, in fact, live-tweeting a Twilight movie . . . again. 

(J to the friend: Yes, @AnneRiley made me do it.)

(Me to both of them: True. This is all my fault.)

(Another friend to me and J: It takes two to tango.)

8:11 pm: The long-haired dude’s name is Jake? Ugh.

At this point I shall reveal that J’s first name is, in fact, Jacob–and he goes by Jake. He gave me his blessing to publish that bit of information about him by saying, “Do whatever you need to do.” Thanks, J. (I guess I can call you Jake now, but for some reason, I prefer to stick with J.)

Anyway, after Jake’s comment about Jake’s name being Jake (because that wasn’t confusing at all), the following exchange took place between us because I had just realized that Jacob was the “long-haired creeper” he referred to at the beginning of the movie.

(Me to J: Do you not remember him from the first movie?)

(J to me: No . . . I tried to repress . . . Oh my gosh he is taking his shirt off. This is pathetic.)

8:15 pm: Friends, if I am ever in the habit of screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night, please check me into a hospital.

8:24 pm: High school date with a third wheel. Been there . . . as the third wheel. LOL at the guys holding their hands out during the movie.

8:32 pm: Jake just pulled the George Costanza “it’s not you it’s me” line. #Plagiarism

8:37 pm: Oh crap. That vampire just scared the heck outta me.

8:40 pm: What the heck?!? That’s a big freaking wolf!

When J and I were at college together, we went to the same church. Our former pastor is on Twitter and was witnessing J’s New Moon tweets in real time. At this point he chimed in with his own comment on the matter, suggesting that as J viewed the movie, he was also “mowing through a tray of pizza bites, half a carton of ice cream, a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies, and crying softly.”

8:44 pm: Please tell this young werewolf gentleman to put a shirt on . . . and Bella is a —-.

(Me to J: I’m gonna have to edit that one.)

(J to me: Pales in comparison to the vulgarities I’m screaming from my couch right now. This movie is crazy.)

9:05 pm: I would like to know who wrote and authenticated the treaty between the werewolves and the vampires. (That’s a good question, actually. Does anyone know the answer?)

9:12 pm: Ah, now I understand the foreshadowing of the Romeo and Juliet stuff at the beginning. Can’t believe I missed that.

9:16 pm: Okay, this is getting intense. #ThingsICantBelieveImSaying

9:21 pm: This Edward/Bella love connection looks like a drunken hookup that you would only find late-night at a college bar. (Klassy.)

9:22 pm: Wait, is that the little girl from War of the Worlds? Dakota something? (Fanning, and yes, it’s her. Also? She was on the cover of Cosmo this month. Not sure how I feel about that.)

9:29 pm: Are the werewolves about to show up? That would be awesome! (I don’t know exactly what part you’re at, but if Dakota Fanning is there, then . . . no.)

9:45 pm: Uh oh. Wedding in Part 3? What if there are werewolf wedding crashers, that would be awesome. I see a spinoff . . .

9:46 pm: First half of the movie was terrible. Second half was better. I’m looking forward to Part 3. (So are we, J. So are we.)

*          *          *

Immediately after this last tweet, my phone rang. Given that this was Night #2 of my battle with the WALKIN’ pneumonia, I sort of grumbled “Hello” and basically just listened as he went into further detail about his “Werewolf Wedding Crashers” spinoff idea.

The bottom line? J the Dude is . . .

*IMPORTANT UPDATE* It’s J the Dude’s BIRTHDAY today! Happy birthday, Jake!

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12 thoughts on “A Dude Watches New Moon–And Live Tweets It

  1. Jessica says:

    Haha! These are great. Eclipse is the very worst one in my opinion so that one will be funny for sure! Actually, I haven’t seen Breaking Dawn Part 1 yet so that may actually be the worst now.

    1. Anne Riley says:

      Hmmm… it was the best, and also the worst, simultaneously. If that makes any sense. Which of course it does not.

  2. Aimee L. Salter says:

    LOLOLOL… I wish I could get a guy friend to do this. My husband just calls me and my friends tragic.

    Can’t wait to see what he thinks of Breaking Dawn. He is doing ALL THE MOVIES, right? RIGHT?!

  3. Alexandra Shostak says:

    I have not seen a Twilight movie since the first one. But this makes me want to watch the second one. I also did plan on seeing Breaking Dawn, but I think I had to clip my toenails that night…

    1. Anne Riley says:

      Haaaaaahahahahahahahahaha. They are pretty good for comic relief. Although, be warned: he’s not kidding about the first half being painful.

  4. Dana Elmendorf says:

    Oh! You should have J watch Vampires Suck, Twilight parody that mashes all the movies into one. Omigosh is that movie funny.

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