The following events took place on the night of Friday, January 20th, 2012, between the hours of 5:30 and 7:00 pm. Names have not been changed because there are no innocent parties to protect.
It’s 5:30 pm and I’m late for my date with Harley May. I pull into the Whole Foods parking lot at a reckless speed of 7 miles per hour. Pedestrians dive for the sidewalks, dogs yip in terror, small children wail into their mothers’ legs as my Ford Fiesta cruises each aisle in search of a parking space. Who knew Whole Foods was such a hoppin’ place on a Friday night?
Against all odds, I slip into a space mere dozens of minutes before someone else surely would have stolen it. I barrel-roll out of the driver’s seat and click the “lock” button over my shoulder while doing the Mom Shuffle (a quick walk-run, usually done while crossing a busy street, even when no cars are coming) to the door.
Harley has invited me to a “Cleanse and Detox” event at the Whole Foods. She’s already in line for some yummy squash-apple-pine nut-cranberry concoction. I spot her quickly because she’s in a super hot red dress with high-heeled boots. She looks amazing. I look sort of like this.
We get our plates of fiber-rich foods and samples of wine, then sit down on the back row for the presentation. A woman stands in front of us and begins to move her mouth. Either she’s a mime, or there’s some trouble brewing with the acoustics in this place.
Me: Can you hear what that woman is saying?
Harley: No. The grocery store music is really loud. Also, next to the bathrooms might not have been the greatest location for this.
[We hear a toilet flush as several small children race out of the bathroom, give us a suspicious glance, and run to their parents.]
Me: What does she have in that bucket?
Harley: I think she just said it was some sort of oatmeal.
Me: Oatmeal in a bucket?
Me: What? What did she say?
Harley: She said our goal should be to “eliminate” three times a day.
Me: AH. Well why didn’t she just say “poop”? That reminds me of when I was pregnant and my doctor kept talking about how often I would have the “urge to void.”
Harley: Look, she said it again! I think we should take a sip of this wine every time she says the word “eliminate.”
Me: We’re gonna need more, then. Is this even alcoholic? Because this brochure keeps talking about how you shouldn’t drink alcohol. I’m pretty sure this is non-alcoholic wine.
Girl Next To Us: I don’t have any fillings.
Me and Harley: [side eye]
Girl Next To Us: She’s talking about fillings. How toxic they are. Do you have any fillings?
Me: Um, yes. But they’re porcelain.
Harley: [not paying attention to us]
Me: Yep, porcelain fillings. Fancy porcelain fillings.
Girl Next To Us: I never had braces, either.
Me: Really? I had them twice. I hate you.
Girl Next To Us: [frightened look]
Harley: Oh my gosh, she’s talking about the oatmeal in the bucket again. She just said something about how someone had to go to the hospital after they ate that stuff.
Me: What?! Hang on–are they spooning out samples for us? No way, dude. I’m not eating that.
Harley: Oh come on, don’t you want to eat “oatmeal” that came out of a bucket and that might put you in the hospital?
Me: I’m seriously afraid of the elimination possibilities here. Let’s just take a picture and then throw the killer oatmeal away.
After the first speaker, Harley and I “went out to my car to get my phone,” then accidentally got in and drove away. Oops. We decided to walk around the shopping center for a while before meeting our friend E. for yogurt. On our walk, we happened to pass a wedding dress shop with a sign in the window that read, “We have Bella’s wedding dress.”
Harley: [mouth open] I hope you know we have to go in there.
Me: Um . . . yes.
Harley: [as we enter the store] Quick, hide your wedding ring.
Me: What? There’s no time!
Wedding Store Girl: Hello ladies, may I help you?
Harley: Um, no thanks, we’re just looking.
Wedding Store Girl: [eyes our ring fingers]
Me: We’re here to see the Twilight dress.
Wedding Store Girl: Aha. No problem, I just got it off the mannequin for someone else a few minutes ago. [walks over to a counter and picks up the dress] Here you go.
Me: Wow. Thanks.
Wedding Store Girl: You should probably hold it up and take a picture with Edward.
Me and Harley: [slow turn to see a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen in his wedding tux]
Me: Yes, you’re probably right about that. Hold on, let me get my Bella face on.
Harley: [as we leave the store] That was amazing.
Me: Mmmmm. We should go on dates more often.