How To Determine If A Werewolf Has Imprinted On Your Baby

A few weeks ago I noticed that Baby Girl had a friend at daycare. She’s always gotten along well with the other kids, but this seemed to be different. If her BFF was already there when we arrived, her face would positively light up with joy. She would smile, and he would say, “Hello, [Baby Girl].”

That’s right. HE.

Baby Girl’s BFF is a BOY.

I knew it was only a matter of time before one of them developed a crush on the other; we all know how that goes, right? One minute you’re sitting next to each other during Show and Tell; the next minute your elbows brush while you’re baking a plastic pie in the play kitchen. Sparks fly and everything changes.

“Those are some nice braids you got there, lady.”

I knew there was something between Baby Girl and her BFF. I just didn’t know how serious it was.

According to some reliable sources, the boy–we’ll call him Jacob, for no particular reason–has stated that when he grows up, he wants to marry her.

I think it’s obvious what has happened.

He has IMPRINTED on her.

Logically–and also according to TWILIGHT– this means he’s a werewolf. I think it’s my duty to society to expose this fact, and in the process I hope to reverse the Imprintation. It’s not that I don’t like him; it’s that the whole Imprinting thing seems a bit . . . creepy.

So here’s what I plan to do, and you can follow the same steps if you suspect that a werewolf has Imprinted on your baby:

1) Confirm that an Imprintation has, in fact, occurred. You don’t want to assume that the werewolf has Imprinted and then find out it was just a crush.

Watch the suspected werewolf to see if he stares excessively at your baby. If you’re close enough, you can also check for pupil dilation.

When you’re near the werewolf, close your eyes tight and see if you can hear his thoughts. This may be complicated by the fact that he’s a toddler and therefore has Toddler Thoughts, which might not make sense. Also, you must be a werewolf to hear another werewolf’s thoughts. So basically, the chances of this working are slim.

2) Examine the suspected werewolf’s arms and legs. Are they strangely muscular? Do his biceps and pecs seem a bit too developed for a two-year-old?

3) Ask the child’s mother if he has started bursting out of his clothes without warning. This might be a natural segue into the question, “When he bursts out of his clothes, does he then become a wolf?”

At this point, you should have a fairly good idea whether or not the child is a werewolf. If you think he is, your best bet is to alert the nearest wolfpack. If you’re not sure where to find a wolfpack, just look for the shirtless, freakishly muscular teenagers. And remember: you’re not REALLY in trouble until someone starts to sparkle.

28 thoughts on “How To Determine If A Werewolf Has Imprinted On Your Baby

  1. Clare Davidson says:

    Thanks for writing this, it really made me giggle!
    Remember, another clue is if he starts biting… err ‘toddler kissing’ her!!!

  2. Hahaha Anne, I just love your thoughts! Too funny! I’ll be sure to mentally file this away when I have kids one day!

  3. This was such a fun read, I’m still laughing. Poor Jacob … he has no control over the imprinting. <3

  4. Krista says:

    lol, this is such a cute post! I love the Twilight tie in. I saw Taylor L interviewed about that part the other night, and even he was squicked out about it when discussing it!

  5. Jess says:

    This is hilarious. Thanks for sharing! I am really curious to see how awkward they make this in the movies:)

  6. Jennie says:

    I totally spit my pop out of my mouth when I read this. Classic. Perfection.

  7. I haven’t read Twilight, but I’m aware of the weird imprintation thing. This blog entry was brilliant. You had me laughing out loud. Amazing.

    • Anne Riley says:

      Oh, yay! Thanks! High praise, coming from the author of the Survivor’s True Tales of Survival.

  8. Jen Stayrook says:

    My little one, too, has developed quite the crush on a female baby at daycare. He stares; she beats him over the head; It’s true love, I tell you.

    But if what I’m reading here is accurate (and I assume everything on your blog is the gospel truth), then I’m afraid my wee little tot may have imprinted on the girl. He DOES randomly burst out of his clothes and as of late, he has become supernaturally hairy. He stares at her AND he drools. The drooling may be a side effect of the teething OR he could be thinking about turning her into a werewolf, it’s hard to be certain.

    I’ll have to inform the uh…proper “authorities.”

    • Anne Riley says:

      Yes. THE WOLFPACK. Find yourself a wolfpack. I hear there are some down on the corner of your street and that other street.

  9. Jodi says:

    OMG…you are messed up, lady. LOVED this!

  10. Elle Strauss says:

    That’s so funny! Thanks for making me smile today. :)

  11. Reenie says:

    Hahahaha!! omg that is hilarious! Best thing I’ve read all day.

  12. *Snort*

    Awesomesauce.

  13. Ansley says:

    While I didn’t spew anything while reading this (I already finished the awesome pancakes I made for the 5 children I’m taking care of right now and my coffee limit was reached at about 7am), I did laugh out loud. Because I can totally see how [Jacob] would imprint on Baby Girl…she’s so cute!

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