The death of Operation Hotmother was a good thing on many levels: it made me less of a crazy, weight-obsessed person; it kept me from pressuring all of YOU into being crazy, weight-obsessed people; and it allowed me to breathe a GINORMOUS sigh of relief.
However, that sigh might just be getting a bit too long-winded.
While I don’t want to be a scale-watcher, I would like to be in better shape than I’m in right now. SHOCKINGLY, maintaining a healthy weight isn’t as easy now as it was when I was fifteen. Maybe it has something to do with the thirteen years I’ve aged and the baby I’ve birthed.
JUST A GUESS.
Regardless of the reasons, I’m no longer the awe-inspiring, exemplary specimen of athleticism (*cough*) I once was. And although I don’t want to revisit the Hotmother, I would like to be healthy. And also I’d like for my pants to fit better.
Oh, Rubber Band That Holds Up My Pants. You and I have a long, sordid history together. (Important: This is not a picture of me.)
But how will I accomplish these seemingly UNATTAINABLE goals?
Trickery and self-indulgence, natch.
I’ve often fallen into the Sign Up For A 5K To Trick Yourself Into Running trap. The last time was December 2009, when I signed up for the Jingle Bell Run. You probably have one of these in your city: everyone dresses up like reindeer or elves or whathaveyou and jogs / skids on patches of ice / crawls toward the finish line.
This man: officially my HERO.
The race started off with, no joke, a NINETY DEGREE INCLINE and went downhill (not literally) from there. I ran about half a mile before deciding it would be MUCH more pleasant to stroll. After all, the Jingle Bell Run goes through this old, beautiful neighborhood, and I enjoy a good 1920’s-style house as much as anyone. So I walked and made mental comments about everyone’s porches and Christmas decorations.
Not the best use of A) $30 or B) a freezing Saturday morning.
I signed up for the 5K in an effort to trick myself into becoming a runner. I figured that by the time the 5K rolled around, I would have trained for it and discovered a SECRET PASSION for running that had lain dormant within me for years.
Well, that didn’t happen.
See, I don’t like to run. But it’s the best way to get in shape, and I really WANT to like it. If I could just ENJOY running, I wouldn’t have to force myself to do it. But part of the reason I don’t like it is that I’m not in good enough shape to do it.
Do you see the Death Spiral of Crazy this has become?
Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to try again. I’ve signed up for the Jingle Bell Run on December 10. But this time, there’s something at stake.
Something I want REAL BAD.
My husband, in his constant effort to Encourage Me And Be The Best Husband Ever, has stated that if I finish the 5K in 32 minutes or less, I can have a WHOLE WEEKEND TO WRITE.
For someone like me with a full-time job and an almost one-year-old, that is some motivation like WHOA.
Challenge: Finish the Jingle Bell Run in 32 minutes or less.
Preparation Time: 26 days.
Current Athletic Status: Questionable.
Reward For Success: One weekend of uninterrupted writerdom.