Yes, this is addressed to both of you, because apparently you needed to come in pair-form. Thanks for terrifying me beyond all belief and making me want to go buy lots of guns and a super-powered alarm system in the middle of the night. Does it count as a workout if I woke up with a racing heartbeat and sweat covering my entire body?
Dear Lemon Square,
You are one of very few bright spots in my day. Thank you for being so deliciously sweet yet sour at the same time but not too sour, oh no, you would never be too sour.
Dear New Car,
You are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. But, do you remember how I was looking at your bright red cousin the day we bought you? She had a lot more miles than you, which is why we didn’t buy her. But she also had power locks. You don’t. Now, I’ve got no problem with manual locks – actually it’s been a long time since I had a car with power anything – but, see, there’s a small problem. Your only keyhole? Is on the driver’s side door. I’m getting a little tired of getting in the car, leaning into the back seat, unlocking the back door, getting back out of the car, putting Little Bit in her car seat, and then getting back in the driver’s seat.
Especially when it’s pouring down rain.
Would you mind spontaneously creating more keyholes? Thanks.
Thinking fondly of your red cousin,
Dear student I got impatient with today because you were trying to tell me something while I was taking attendance and I brushed you off but then found out you were trying to tell me your grandmother had died,
I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.
Hey, remember how you said it would be so easy to get my e-book listed in the Kindle store? Remember that?
Giving you a death stare,
It’s your fault I went to Smashwords in the first place. Don’t be so smug.
Edited to add:
Dear student who gave me a thank-you note and a Books-A-Million gift card for writing you a college rec letter,
It was my pleasure, and you just made me smile. Thank YOU.