Letters To Today

Dear Nightmares,

Yes, this is addressed to both of you, because apparently you needed to come in pair-form. Thanks for terrifying me beyond all belief and making me want to go buy lots of guns and a super-powered alarm system in the middle of the night. Does it count as a workout if I woke up with a racing heartbeat and sweat covering my entire body?

Perspiringly yours,

Anne Riley

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Dear Lemon Square,

You are one of very few bright spots in my day. Thank you for being so deliciously sweet yet sour at the same time but not too sour, oh no, you would never be too sour.

Lip-smackingly yours,

Anne Riley

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Dear New Car,

You are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. But, do you remember how I was looking at your bright red cousin the day we bought you? She had a lot more miles than you, which is why we didn’t buy her. But she also had power locks. You don’t. Now, I’ve got no problem with manual locks – actually it’s been a long time since I had a car with power anything – but, see, there’s a small problem. Your only keyhole? Is on the driver’s side door. I’m getting a little tired of getting in the car, leaning into the back seat, unlocking the back door, getting back out of the car, putting Little Bit in her car seat, and then getting back in the driver’s seat.

Especially when it’s pouring down rain.

Would you mind spontaneously creating more keyholes? Thanks.

Thinking fondly of your red cousin,

Anne Riley

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Dear student I got impatient with today because you were trying to tell me something while I was taking attendance and I brushed you off but then found out you were trying to tell me your grandmother had died,

I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.

Moronically yours,

Mrs. Riley

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Dear Smashwords,

Hey, remember how you said it would be so easy to get my e-book listed in the Kindle store? Remember that?

YOU LIED.

Giving you a death stare,

Anne Riley

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Dear Kindle,

It’s your fault I went to Smashwords in the first place. Don’t be so smug.

Booooooooo you,

Anne Riley

*

Edited to add:

Dear student who gave me a thank-you note and a Books-A-Million gift card for writing you a college rec letter,

It was my pleasure, and you just made me smile. Thank YOU.

Love,

Mrs. Riley

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20 thoughts on “Letters To Today

    • Anne Riley says:

      Ha. Yeah, I like writing letters that people will never see. I mean the people they’re addressed to. It’s therapeutic, somehow.

  1. Alexandra Shostak says:

    Dear Anne,

    Thank you for writing this blog post which brightened up the short break I have between college classes. I am truly sorry to hear of your frustrations, though your presentation of them in epistolary form is quite endearing; I suggest perhaps uploading your novel directly to the Kindle? I hope more lemon bars find you soon. Had I any, I would gladly share.

    A Humble Admirer,
    Alexandra Shostak

    • Anne Riley says:

      Thanks A! And yes, I have actually attempted the Kindle upload before. It ended with much weeping and gnashing of teeth, hence my quick escape to Smashwords. One day…

    • Anne Riley says:

      Oooooh yeah! That lemon square was awesome! I could eat my weight in those things. But then I would weigh a lot, so… bad idea.

      • Ansley says:

        What diet, you ask? Well, have you ever heard of hCG? I’m sure you have, because you were just “great with child” (I love how they say that in the Bible). It’s a hormone you excreted in your urine when you were “great with child” and people distill it into a liquid form the is used in injections or, in my case, drops, that make your body eat itself. True story. Oh, and you get to eat 500 cals/day.

        Why, you ask? 2 words for ya: bridesmaid dress. Nuf said.

        • Ansley says:

          It’s just until I’m looking smashing in a bridesmaid dress on April 2. Then, I’m back to eating healthy food and working out (gotta love the elliptical, esp when Glee is on my iPod!)…..

          I COULD be convinced to help “break the fast” with you one night…..cheese dip…..you in?

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