Letters To People At The Gym

Dear High School Girl,

You are very cute. Really. But I feel it is my duty as a high school teacher and mother of a 5-month-old unborn baby to tell you that the whole point of going to the gym is to work out – not, as you seem to believe, to text all your friends. Pausing for one minute between each sit-up to either read or answer a text is not exactly the best way to maintain that 24-inch waistline you’ve got going on right now (which, by the way, will vamoose when you hit about 20 years old). And even though you’re wearing your big sister’s sorority t-shirt, your carefully disheveled ponytail, flawless makeup, and Bella Swan-esque expression of tortured indifference give you away as a high schooler.  The jig is up; no one believes you’re really in college.

Delta Zeta forever,

Anne

*

Dear Single Guy,

You can make eyes at me all you want, but I’m still married, pregnant, and not impressed by your arm muscles (which, by the way, I can only see because you cut the sleeves off your t-shirt). And speaking of your t-shirt, do you really think what’s written on the front of it is appropriate to wear out in public? Maybe if you were at Club La Vela, but the Hoover Rec Center? Not so much.

Pregnantly yours,

Anne

P.S. Please stop going to the tanning bed. It’s bad for you, and don’t you know about the new tanning tax?

*

Dear Super Runner Girl,

You’re not actually doing anything wrong here, which is why I can’t get mad at you. But your legs with their rippling muscles and the fact that you’re not even breathing hard after mile five – well, I’m a little intimidated. See, I’m kinda weighed down by this baby, and there are elderly people who lap me around the track. You’re sort of highlighting the waddle I’ve developed and making me look even more ridiculous when I trip over my own feet. And, since my own belly is sticking out like I’ve got a watermelon under my shirt, do you think you could wear something other than just a sportsbra and Spandex biking shorts so that I don’t have to watch your six pack get harder every time you pass me?

Waddlers Rule,

Anne

Want to share this post?

14 thoughts on “Letters To People At The Gym

  1. Heather says:

    LOVE. I don’t really write letters to people in my head so much as shout things at them. Like, “PUT A SHIRT ON!” and, “Yes, I know this gray wifebeater, my short hair, sweatiness, and the fact that I’m hanging out in the free-weight area is deceiving, but I am, in fact, a girl. So please don’t say there aren’t any girls in the gym today when I’m sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!!!” (True story, that really happened.)

    I bet your baby bump is way cuter than her six-pack. Bonus! You can eat chocolate and stuff.

  2. Alexandra Shostak says:

    You are SO funny! I love it! At my gym, the treadmills and elliptical-like-machines (there are like 5 different kinds, and I really didn’t know there could be that many ways to make an elliptical) are all around the edge of the weight room. The ellipticals face out the window, but the treadmills are on the inner wall and so they face the weight room. And there are always guys there who are lifting weights specifically to show off to the girls on the treadmills. And we’re like yep, you have large arms, that’s nice. I don’t care. (This is especially embarrassing because I can run about half a mile before turning red, getting winded, and having to quit.)

  3. Charity Bradford says:

    Anne, you are simply the best. How many of us have wanted to say the same thing. My favorite is to the super runner girl. I wish I was her. Will never happen, no matter how many miles I run, but I keep trying.

  4. Raquel says:

    Woo hoo! Letters to people at the gym are a great idea.

    How about writing one to sweaty guy who rubs himself all over the nautilus machines and then just leaves the wet smears on the vinyl?

    I’d like to see a letter to THAT guy.

  5. Anne Riley says:

    LOL – I loved reading these comments! HA! I mean, there are endless letters I could write to people. ENDLESS. The fact that I only wrote three shows that I have great self control.

  6. Jamey Stegmaier says:

    This post was awesome. Can I give a shout out to the people who set the treadmill on settings so low that they’d probably burn more calories watching TV in bed? Although, in some odd way, I admire those people for having the balls to show up and press “Start.”

  7. Anna says:

    Awww, Anne! You are adorable, and your baby bump is PRECIOUS.

    Tan Cut-Off T-Shirt Guy is my favorite. I think every gym has at least one!

    Also, this is a little bit of a side note but if I’m assuming correctly that you are a Delta Zeta, then we are totally sisters.

  8. DL Hammons says:

    Here’s another one you missed.

    Dear All Gym Members,

    If you’re not breaking a sweat during your time here, you’re missing the point. We are not a social club. If this is a concept impossible for you to comprehend, then we’re willing to reimburse 100% of your membership fees.

    So you can use it to buy a clue!

    Management.

  9. Kim Dodd says:

    Anne…you are so entertaining and right on the money…and a very good mom-to-be!! I almost can’t wait to go to the gym tomorrow and check out the people there…maybe to pass the time I will do some internal letter writing…

Comments are closed.