Care to explain yourselves?
Oh, don’t give me that look. You know what I’m talking about. The incident today at the shoe store? You’ve been the same size for, what, thirteen years now, and all of a sudden you decide that, hey, wouldn’t it be cool to be a size BIGGER?
NO, FEET, IT’S NOT COOL. Because now you’ve gone from your original size of “ginormous” to this new “gargantuan” size, which is a transformation I hadn’t thought possible until today. In fact, I didn’t even know shoes came in Gargantuan.
No, no, stop right there. Don’t you dare play the pregnancy card. That is MY card to play, not yours. So let’s just calm down and take a deep breath, and everybody just go back to the size they were before, mmkay?
Dear Left Hip,
What the heck is going on with you? I thought Feet were bad, but good GRIEF. You’re in a league of your own! Why do you freak out every time I stand up too fast or turn the wrong way or bend over exactly 30 degrees? Whatever you’re doing in there – stabbing me with tiny knives, it feels like – please, please stop.
I have nothing more to say to you, except this: Why can’t you be more like Right Hip?
Curly hair is awesome, and straight hair looks cool, too. But NOT at the same time, in various locations on my head. Make up your mind, please. Because if I have to go around with the right side of my hair curly and the left side straight for one more day, I might just cut you completely off.
CUT YOU OFF. DO YOU HEAR ME?
And you can forget about that fancy new conditioner you had your eye on. No ma’am.
Dear Belly Button,
Five and a half months and counting, girl! Stay an Inny! Don’t give in to those cute Outtys I see talking to you in the afternoons. I know they’re charming, but it’s such an obvious charm. Hold strong, Belly Button. Hold strong. And if you ever feel yourself being stretched to the point of giving in, just sing a Christina Aguilera song to yourself. It doesn’t matter which one.