The Secret Lives Of Spammers

Ever since the life-altering shift (okay, maybe not) from Blogger to my new website, I’ve noticed an upswing in the level of comments that get swept into my spam folder. Today, for example, I checked my site and found 18 spam comments, just waiting to be deleted. How? How is this possible? I mean, to leave a comment on one of my blog posts, you have to type in your name, type in an e-mail address, type in your website addres, and then leave the comment. No, there’s no word verification like there was on Blogger (which kept out everyone but this one girl who always commented in Japanese and whose blog, I later discovered, was all about showerheads), but seriously? How can that much spam get through?

I know your minds are just spinning out of control right now, aren’t they? You just have to know! Who are these people? And why do they spam?

Don’t worry. I am here for you. I have discovered the secret of the spammers, and people, it ain’t pretty. Now, the full documentary won’t be released until sometime in 2025, but I’m willing to give you a little sneak peak of the investigative work I’ve been doing. I parked my unmarked van outside of one spammer’s house and observed his activities so that I could enlighten you. Let’s take a look at a day in the life of a spammer, shall we?

9:00am: Spammy McSpamerson wakes up after long night of emailing everyone in his address book – which is a few hundred thousand people. Has breakfast of – you guessed it – Spam, and puts on clothes.

10:00am: Spammy walks outside and checks the mail. It’s 25 pieces of junk mail, which he turns around and sticks in his neighbor’s mailbox. He snickers quietly to himself and slinks back inside.

11:00am: After watching an hour of The People’s Court, Spammy decides to check his email. He sits down at his computer and diligently reads through every single piece of electronic junk mail he gets.

3:00pm: Now that he’s read all his mail, Spammy forwards it. To everyone. 400 times each. He chuckles and decides to eat an entire bag of Doritos. Then he sends some spam text messages to random phone numbers. And signs people up for Pottery Barn catalogues.

4:00pm: Time to start spamming the blogs! This is Spammy’s favorite time of day: When he lurks around cyberspace, reading blogs of people he doesn’t know and leaving comments that mean absolutely nothing. Today, Spammy decides to use his LeBron James Shoes account. He signs in and starts spamming.

10:00pm: After 6 hours of leaving comments that look like this:

shoes :: lebron :: cheap :: leaves :: snails :: run :: sunglasses

Or maybe this:

Wow this is a great site I have bookmarked it I will tell all my friends You want LeBron James Shoes

He decides it’s time to call it a night. He wipes the remaining Dorito dust on his greasy t-shirt and slides into bed, moving the 800 cans of spam out of the way that he sleeps with every night.

Tomorrow, Spammy McSpamerson plans to pose as a telemarketer. He needs his beauty rest.

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18 thoughts on “The Secret Lives Of Spammers

  1. Heather says:

    Spammy’s second kind of comments are the worst, because I can never tell if they’re serious and just not very well written or from Spammy McSpamerson himself. They always make me say, “What??” I guess that’s his ultimate goal.

  2. Laurel says:

    I’m laughing so hard there are tears rolling down my cheeks. Thanks, Anne. I so needed that today. Some of the submissions I have to read at work seem like graduate student spam. Must be Spammy’s overeducated cousin sending me this jargony crap about Virginia Woolf. Ha!

  3. Arlee Bird says:

    Your take is funny and yet not that funny, but kind of creepy real. It is indeed a mystery. So far my site is not overwhelmed, but there are some persistent spammers. I have one post from a few months back called “The Mystery of the Drafty Room”. Almost every night the same spam message appears in this post. Creepy– I got to figure out how to fix that draft.

    Lee
    May 3rd A to Z Challenge Reflections Mega Post

  4. Heather says:

    Too funny! You’re not the only one being targeted by Spammy lately. Another friend of mine has really been struggling. I don’t know why spammers do what they do. People don’t exactly respond positively to it. Sounds to me like Spammy has too much time on his hands!

  5. Anne Riley says:

    Ha – y’all are hilarious! Oh, and just to underline my point, I just found a spam comment that said:

    Thank you so much this is good article Unlock iphone

  6. Mia says:

    Haha, the spammers strike again! I’ve only ever had one thankfully. Possibly because I warned Mr McSpamerson that I wouldn’t be welcoming anymore messages? Here’s hoping he stays away…

    It’s weird that he has that much dedication to comment here. I guess he really thinks you’d like an iPhone and LeBron James Shoes.

  7. Mireyah says:

    Thankfully, I’ve only ever had a few spam comments (and I don’t have verification activated on my blog), so I’ve never really had to deal with it. The few I’ve gotten were easy to spot–they were gibberish links and made no sense. 😛

  8. Eric Trant says:

    Some people have no tact.

    I had one guy who would comment and then plug his book, every post, very annoying, and I’m not nearly so popular as Anne Riley!

    Visit my blog.

    😉

    – Eric

  9. Medeia Sharif says:

    This post is funny.

    I always picture spammers as regular people who spend a bit too much time doing their favorite thing…spamming.

    I’m lucky that I’ve only received one spam comment, and it was from an author plugging his book.

  10. Jen says:

    Oh my gosh you crack me up with all the examples of spammers!!! I hate when that happens but luckily *knock on wood* I haven’t gotten too many spam comments!

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