Ever since the life-altering shift (okay, maybe not) from Blogger to my new website, I’ve noticed an upswing in the level of comments that get swept into my spam folder. Today, for example, I checked my site and found 18 spam comments, just waiting to be deleted. How? How is this possible? I mean, to leave a comment on one of my blog posts, you have to type in your name, type in an e-mail address, type in your website addres, and then leave the comment. No, there’s no word verification like there was on Blogger (which kept out everyone but this one girl who always commented in Japanese and whose blog, I later discovered, was all about showerheads), but seriously? How can that much spam get through?
I know your minds are just spinning out of control right now, aren’t they? You just have to know! Who are these people? And why do they spam?
Don’t worry. I am here for you. I have discovered the secret of the spammers, and people, it ain’t pretty. Now, the full documentary won’t be released until sometime in 2025, but I’m willing to give you a little sneak peak of the investigative work I’ve been doing. I parked my unmarked van outside of one spammer’s house and observed his activities so that I could enlighten you. Let’s take a look at a day in the life of a spammer, shall we?
9:00am: Spammy McSpamerson wakes up after long night of emailing everyone in his address book – which is a few hundred thousand people. Has breakfast of – you guessed it – Spam, and puts on clothes.
10:00am: Spammy walks outside and checks the mail. It’s 25 pieces of junk mail, which he turns around and sticks in his neighbor’s mailbox. He snickers quietly to himself and slinks back inside.
11:00am: After watching an hour of The People’s Court, Spammy decides to check his email. He sits down at his computer and diligently reads through every single piece of electronic junk mail he gets.
3:00pm: Now that he’s read all his mail, Spammy forwards it. To everyone. 400 times each. He chuckles and decides to eat an entire bag of Doritos. Then he sends some spam text messages to random phone numbers. And signs people up for Pottery Barn catalogues.
4:00pm: Time to start spamming the blogs! This is Spammy’s favorite time of day: When he lurks around cyberspace, reading blogs of people he doesn’t know and leaving comments that mean absolutely nothing. Today, Spammy decides to use his LeBron James Shoes account. He signs in and starts spamming.
10:00pm: After 6 hours of leaving comments that look like this:
shoes :: lebron :: cheap :: leaves :: snails :: run :: sunglasses
Or maybe this:
Wow this is a great site I have bookmarked it I will tell all my friends You want LeBron James Shoes
He decides it’s time to call it a night. He wipes the remaining Dorito dust on his greasy t-shirt and slides into bed, moving the 800 cans of spam out of the way that he sleeps with every night.
Tomorrow, Spammy McSpamerson plans to pose as a telemarketer. He needs his beauty rest.